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[16 Nov 2009|06:20pm] |
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my tooth is crumbling like my pants
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[27 Oct 2009|04:12am] |
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catcher in the rye
i need you i think
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[18 Oct 2009|07:02pm] |
i notice that (1) i've forgotten about livejournal and (2) all i can talk about is music. sounds stupid i totally know. but its a good distraction.
also (3) torchy's tacos! come visit
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[14 Sep 2009|04:04am] |
ok so the best thing ive heard in a while
ok, you have to listen carefully
or else ill do something bad...very bad
all my words for sadness like eskimo snow on unmanned crosses all, planted in threes, in a field for living trees. i hum these prayers in secret and sung through speakers in rooms for people to hear it.. even when i'm wasted and numb..with the words for good wine on a philistine's tongue..
AND IM UNDER SOMETHING BLACK AND THICKER THAN A SHEET FOR GHOSTS OR THE FIRST FEET OF SNOW that old clouds yield on the crosses on the chests of dead soldiers in a field, THAT I'M....
THAT I'M STILL HERE, BEARING MY WATERY FRUITS IF FRUITS AT ALL....barely understanding what truth that rarely calls.
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[03 Sep 2009|11:36am] |
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fixed gear cannot be located
tall bike in progress
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[23 Jul 2009|01:58am] |
you probably think i've forgotten about this. forgotten about the way i make thoughts known throw it.
last night was a sea of dreams deep with you. i just can't say anything because i'm odd i think. if i did, it would be a mistake eager to come true. so i find my seldom points, my sleepy spots. where i'll curl up into a ball inside of my knees, between classes, fighting the hot concrete heat, and fall into a little sleep. it is a shame that music can't explain our lives for us. maybe then we would be understood correctly.
with love.
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[17 Jun 2009|03:04am] |
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all these people drinking lovers spit
half full
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[15 May 2009|06:31pm] |
felt like
today everyone was looking at me like i wanted to bust their lips open and remind them to brush their teeth if they want any chance of getting the blood out
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[11 May 2009|06:12pm] |
you try
but you only ever treat the symptoms
i get high
boat party = overdue
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[29 Apr 2009|04:28pm] |
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bark if you feel like a dog
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[23 Apr 2009|04:39pm] |
im not eating anymore so i can die slowly
i dont count because i have emotional problems
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[07 Apr 2009|07:06pm] |
to inhaling crushed bones through a dried up white out pen,
my paws stepped on. ive gone there and back. twine wrapped around my arm bone sticks. the beach is dried up. then a sad song i wrote about you. if i die there will be no response. walken home from your house, i kept smellin some sort of blown out me.
trouble with living
sincerely,
nick
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[01 Apr 2009|10:37pm] |
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good vibes
:]
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[08 Mar 2009|04:06pm] |
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looks like a sky for shoeing horses under
looks like a good sky to die under
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[31 Jan 2009|10:56am] |
this is urgent and since nobody is available i need to use you to explain
i just woke up for the first time in a cold sweat because last night i dreamed that you were dying. from what i can remember, I need to explain.
it was dusk. and we were on the corner of a block where dilapidated houses occupy the three other corners. where we're standing, there's a field but it's fenced in by cinder block chunks of wall, which are also dilapidated. the sky is orange and blue and its one of those days the sun leaves everything breath taking.
it's me and you, of course, and two other guys. one of whom keeps changing into different people, but thats because he's only a witness to what would happen next. the other changes face as well but only once. for the most part, he is someone i don't think i've met, but that's because he is danger incarnate, the grim reaper. and for some reason we are all trying to calm him down. and he keeps saying things that are frightening and aggressive. my heart skips when he pulls the trigger into your chest. i can't see his tears, i just watch you fall. and as your chest is ripped apart, so does my heart because i know you're dying now. he drops the gun and i take it. for some reason, it's made of gold. I scream and I run and I explode. i grab his neck and punch his kidneys. then i realize it's so important to know exactly how bad you're hurt because I think that I love you. other people that heard the shot come outside, but there are no real adults, no authority to tell me what to do.
i ask how bad it is and you say in the same calm voice as always, "it feels lethal". and that echos in my mind.
the thought of you dying tears down all of the walls I set up for you. to protect myself from you. because i'm not sure I'd be ready to be with someone right now, after my last relationship. but none of that matters, I'm so focused on doing everything i can, everything and then some, everything and more, everything to make you live through this. and in that desperation, my walls crumble and i finally look you in the eye the way you say i love you. when i hug her, she hugs back. and it's like a warm blanket all over me.
then, i can't remember. things change, locations and people change, but you're still alive.
i recognize a lot of people now. we're in somebody's house, and it's familiar even though i've never been there. i'm kneeling next to you and you're laying on your back, on a couch, in the living room. people are worried, but are generally moving about. i dont know why were not at the hospital but i assume the ambulance is on its way. her ex boyfriend, a friend of mine, is upset as well. except he's upset, not for her, but at her. he blames her for things. and when i let my walls down, he saw it. and when i let my walls down i thought of everyone who saw it, and i didn't care. it didnt matter. moments are fleeting her life is over at any moment and i'm clinging to every single one.
the way you smile, laying on the couch, my concerned nurse disposition. i suddenly kiss you. it came on like a wave, and i saw the moment and it felt unnatural to not kiss you then. and you kissed back. in front of everyone, we kiss, me on my knees, you bleeding all over. and my eyes get all wet. i know i'm losing you.
when i leave for just a second to wash something in the bathroom sink, i overhear my friend say something he shouldn't have. and i tell him from the bathroom, with everyone coming and going, that he needs to walk away and calm down. and if he doesn't i'll beat the fuck out of him. right there, where he stands. he's upset and looking for a fight so of course, he's willing. but i wont let him have the pleasure. i cross the room and he starts backing up, which pisses me off more. he backs up into the next room, which is much better because it's far from you and there's more space. my friend stops once his heals knock into the couch, and like a cornered animal, he lunges at me, but doesn't connect. i ask what he's doing, why he said what he said, but he just slips into this evil-looking grin and throws a couple of fake punches to see if i'm still listening, but i know better than to flinch. i'd rather break my nose.
then he tries to hit me, and i do a simple take down that i've been working on in my jiu-jitsu. when we land, i'm in his guard, but he doesn't know that, so i spin around him and grab his head from behind, while wrapping my legs around his stomach and chest. then i just squeeze. he tries to pry my arms from around his throat but i keep squeezing. he gurgles out a "ok, ok", but i keep squeezing. he taps out, and i tell him, "we're playing for keeps", and i keep squeezing. then someone pulls me off and i realize that i forgot who i was protecting in the first place. my heart races at the thought that you might have died already and i missed that last moment to hold you.
the permanence of your death destroys me. i race back to the couch to see your gleaming face. and somehow, it's not as bad as it was before. you're hurt, but you can stand now. and i help you get up and i wrap my arms around you and i breath into your hair and i tell you for the first time, i whisper, i love you. and although i know we're not outside, where there's trees and glowing paper lanterns, strung together to face the night, there's no little stage and there's no band. there's no tables with people sitting in them. but there is us. and we are all alone as i start to slow dance with you. and we cup each other, because we're wounded. i see your shining eyes and i kiss you again. and it's so soft and it's so passionate i can feel my body pull apart. and everyone is watching us dance. but all i see is your face framed by yellow lanterns in the background.
then my heart sinks and i'm utterly devastated. i realize i'm dreaming. there is no way we would fall in love like this. sort of like a movie, i'm in this surreal, inbetween state of a lucid dream. i say, "i know i'm dreaming", and she just keeps on dancing. i say "i'm afraid none of this is real", and she looks at me with such penetrating eyes and we kiss again, leaving me breathless. like shes not the one dying anymore. i say, "after this dance, i wont be able to be myself around you" and then she says something. and i want to hear what she says. i need to hear, no i'm impossibly desperate to hear what she says. but the music is too loud, or she speaks too softly, or i just wasn't supposed to know what she says. the edges of my periphery darken, like a fade-to-black, and i slip back into my sunken, dreamy consciousness.
things change again. it's fuzzy.
now, everyone is discussing your health. people are telling me you're feeling better. but how can that be? it doesn't make sense. wheres the god damned ambulance? where's the fucking medicine? i'm not a doctor, you're not a doctor, she needs a damn doctor! and as soon as i say it, i can't believe my eyes as she runs past me in a sort of half-skip out the open door, into the front yard, where other people are grouped. i'm cold when i wake up and i'm sweaty. i'm heaving, i feel like throwing up. my phone doesnt work fast enough. everything is lost now. all of our love was just make-believe!
i want to bury my head like an ostrich.
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[02 Dec 2008|09:44pm] |
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most entries are gonna be private now
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[21 Nov 2008|07:01am] |
tried to make them visible
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[19 Nov 2008|10:55pm] |
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im feeling better now
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[19 Nov 2008|09:58pm] |
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if things dont start getting better im just gonna quit
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[08 Nov 2008|11:15pm] |
mmmmmmmmmm let the rhythm slide down. my back. i've got a crooked horse hoof leaning sideways holden me upright, when you're away. i leave the porch light gleaming night shades when you delay. lilly up and lilly down, lilly up and lilly down, lilly pads float all over. relax, this will be over. this will be....over.
take it in. take a breathe. hold it until theres nothing left. record the flip of a violent wing span
let your grip find a suitable hold a sort of mold a kind of gold if you could only behold how unnatural your contempt does roll, its like watching a vine twist and grow, im getting kinda dizzy, eyes patched with snow, muscles slow beneath the cold,
dreaming like i wish i'd never closed my eyes, the people i see, have done away with me i feel color on th eback of my tongue. it sticks. its sticking. its all over me. its coming out in globs on my feet. its running down my cheek. its ruining your beautiful upholstery. rushing in a cyclical mystery, an elegant misery, felt for all of an eternity.
and your face. always leaning towards mine, and your grace, unfaltering. i've stopped eating. lets see what we can make. i'll be the one who takes forever to understand my lovers. i'll be so fun for your friday night anxiety.
i say
i say i say too much. i let this go on for far too long. i see you in a cloud of smoke a blood red robe a tiny pill that makes me choke i see you in pixle form in a kind of gorgeous form a little doll all pressed and dressed as if she was certainly the best. if i could if i could if i could id let you do the same for me and if i could i could i would help you help me help me help me hel p me. help. m
bleached out lines and whithered teeth. bones with scraps of meat. frail arms searching for me. in this darkness no one can watch us bleed.
big sharp knife. big sharp knife. big shards of a knife.
shh sleep shh sleep
your clothes are so nice. i've crept inside your laundry room window. its narrow and i had to go one arm at a time.
i can see your breath. you shouldnt be so cold. and if i could be so bold. as to graze the end of your nose. my lips drop like a stone. my body falls like a stone. and even now. your eyes sink to your lap as you are now alone.
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